The personal attacks are meant to show that particularly Jagat, who swapped two sannyasa vows for a PhD, a non-devotee wife, and cannot even name his child after Krishna (even Ajamila managed that!), really is the last one to establish a new sampradaya, as he calls the foundational acharyas 'backwards.' It's not personal. I have known Jagat for 23 years, and apart from his intellectual arrogance, his ambitions to be a Jagad-guru and his diplomacy, he's a groovy guy. Hate the apostasy, not the apostate.
It seems odd, after all this time and struggle, that I am still stuck in a time warp and have not really been able to move on from this spiritual zone of paralysis. As I wrote in my poem, I am weary of the debate.
One cannot go back and change all the broken promises that litter one's meandering way to the present, but one must ask which promises are functionally operative in the present. One's dharma is one's promises, and one can only break so many before imploding and collapsing into ruin.
It may be that the promises I am breaking now will prove to be the most ruinous of all, because they are a betrayal of what is closest to my innermost being. And yet, try as I might to break away from one word that I have given and exchange it for another, I cannot. I am held firmly in the grip of dharma, and I will only be able to exchange this one for another when the Master of this World decides to loosen his grip on me.
In the optic of prema prayojana, I have to conclude that in some cases, the less pleasing act may indeed be the necessary prerequisite to the rewards of experience. The regret is that these rewards may have to come in another lifetime.
In the meantime, I will try to acquit myself of my pile of debts and duties, recognizing that my situation is of my own making, not of God's or anyone else's.