Life Goes On -- Oh bladi ! Oh blada!

Since arriving in Montreal I have been having dreams. I don't really know why, it may be the coffee-drinking that I started since I came here. My son had purchased a whole box of coffee beans from a wide variety of countries and had become something of a fledgling connoisseur. So it is a part of what he left behind that I am consuming in his honor and memory.


 
My former quarters at Jiva.


Since arriving in Montreal I have been having dreams. I don't really know why, it may be the coffee-drinking that I started since I came here. My son had purchased a whole box of coffee beans from a wide variety of countries and had become something of a fledgling connoisseur. So it is a part of what he left behind that I am consuming in his honor and memory. 

Last night I had another strange and apparently meaningless dream. I sometimes give a few moments of thought to them, but usually abandon them rapidly as not particularly useful. This one had typical motifs -- cleaning up after a battle of some kind. I think images of Ukraine participated in the tableau, or it may have been the bit of spring cleaning I did in the garden yesterday. I was sweeping up with some others and there were debris everywhere. There was a cage which I opened and started to empty of its old black and rotting wood and so on when a cat suddenly lunged out at me from the depths of the cage.

It looked like a fat tabby but acted more like a lion. I picked up a stick to ward it off but it was not to be tamed by my feeble weapon and so -- such a typical dream motif for me -- I started to run. Before I knew it there were five of these ferocious ginger-colored tabbies chasing me across an open field. This is of course when I woke up.

However my mind was peaceful and ringing with the sounds of ānanda āra dhare nāi, the ākhara refrain that is often used in Bengali bhajans: "There is no limit to their joy! They cannot restrain their bliss!" I sing this every morning as a part of my mangal arati -- an ear worm to delight in!

It was 3.45, about time to get up anyway and I went to the bathroom and was surprised to see Madhurya in her music and meditation room meditating in front of Pavel's picture. I quickly took my shower and joined her.

Madhurya's sleeping schedule has been disrupted ever since Pavel left this world and often is awake at strange hours whereas I am a little more regular after years of ashram life. But I felt genuine bliss to spend a half-hour meditating with her, which is something I have aspired to and prayed for since I have been here, depending on the mercy of my Gauranga to make it happen and just letting it happen.

Now those cats. I think those cats were released by the Paramadvaiti events that were dredged up in the last couple of days and of which I had not spoken for an entire year. It seems I had become a participant in the  trauma of his misadventures through empathy.

I reflected for a long time about whether it was appropriate to give him so much vocal support on line. I don't think I have much to add to the things I said in my two earlier posts. One thing the repercussions did serve to do was to increase my humility, about which a timely Facebook reflection came up today. That became doubled or tripled when it was accompanied by being expelled from the Dham. It may not have been an expulsion in any official way, but through the synchronicity of other events it felt like that.

Moreover loss of Pavel awakened feelings of guilt about leaving my wife and son came back like the sting in the tail of a scorpion.

I had been planning to get Indian citizenship but because of the loss of my passport and the absence of other papers to support my application for a new one I had to come back, but the death of my son gave me a compassionate imperative to be with Madhurya. The feeling that I was being pushed out because of others' ill will towards me also contributed to a strange feeling of dissociation. In 1985 I also started proceedings towards citizenship and had even received a visit from an CIB investigator before a similar chain of events resulted in my coming back to Canada. Strange coincidence. I had even been writing an essay on why I want to be an Indian citizen, which I never seemed able to finish.

But being here is turning out to be positive, especially in terms of my relationship with my ex-wife. Our common grief at the loss of Pavel has bonded us in a way that never happened before. There was clearly unfinished business to deal with here, which is certainly a cause for deep reflection. 

My presence here in Canada also seems to be restoring a sense of independence that I was beginning to lose in Vrindavan. This is already being reflected in a desire to resume writing creatively on this blog and to revive and expand on some of my older ideas. Krishna's intent is always auspicious and I am resigned to his will without rancor or disappointment, confident that his purpose for me will be realized.

Ferocious ginger tabbies.



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